Warren Barton Decoder.

The Lads

Early night tonight – I’ve got to get up for the opening weekend of the English Premier League at 6:30 AM.  I’ll brew the coffee (extra strong espresso), butter the toasted bread (just one shade lighter than charcoal) and tune into Fox Soccer Channel to watch Warren Barton and Christian Miles present their EPL preview show. 

I realize that it’s early in the season, and my ear still won’t be tuned in yet to decipher Barton’s cockney accent.  Typical of many of his ilk (English ex-player turned pundit) there will also be an almost complete lack of adverbs (“The lad’s done brilliant”) and any word that begins with an ‘h’ will have said letter dropped.  

Easing our way into the EPL season, here’s a handy guide to make sense of a few of the key words Barton will use throughout the opening show:

Bow                      Ball                       “Drogba needed to do a better job weave the bow”

Chew/See             Chelsea                “Chew sees ‘ome opener at the Bridge”

Done                     Did                      “The lad’s done brilliant”

Fervor                   Further                “(H)'olden should ‘ave been fervor down the field”

Fick                      Thick                    “'Lamps is really in the fick of it”

Fings                     Things                  “Fings aren't going well for the youngster”

Free                      Three                   “Free goals to nil in the season opener”

Frou                     Through                “A luvverly pass frou to the forward”     

Furred                  Third                     “That’s his furred shot on gow”            

Gow                     Goal                      “Another shot went wide of the gow”
Veer                      Their/They're        “Veer wide open on the back line”

Weave                  With                     “Wenger’s going weave a Four-Free-Free today”

Weaver                 Whether               “I dunno weaver he saw it”
Weld                     World                   “Vuvuzelas really spoiled the Weld Cup for me”

Just by listening for a few key words in the home opener, more complex constructions will quickly be mastered by the end of the month:
   “Chew see scored free times in veer ‘ome win; Lamps done brilliant, always in the fick
    of things, weave the bow in the back of the net twice”.

Now, if we could just get subtitles for Kenny Dalglish’s post-match press conferences...