Build It Now

I am in favor of the planned stadium development permit.  

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In my mirthquakes blog it’s been all to easy to make light of the plight of the Quakes fans over the past four years– but I felt the need to stay cheerful, even when the seat numbers on the aluminum bleachers are eighteen inches apart and the width of my hips (on a good day) is nineteen inches.  

The upside of that scenario is that I’ve made close friends with the people around me in Section 103.  When I look around the bleachers there’s a diversity of gender, ethnicity, and professions.  It’s a big, often rambunctious family comprising parents, siblings and eccentric great-aunts, with diverse personalities: vocal and energetic; cynical and phlegmatic, analytical and judgmental.  Our common ground is down below on the pitch and the San Jose Earthquakes players on its cool, grass surface - we are all united in our support of them.  

The players on our team are equally diverse - scan the roster and you will see local heroes, Europeans, Central and South Americans, even a Texan with a Thai surname.  Their personalities range from quiet leaders, to crazy goalkeepers and vocal players who black out when they argue their team mate’s case with the officials.  There are young rookies with meagre salaries working hard to get their chance and veterans working just as hard to keep their slot.  All are engaged in the action on the field, and off the field they engage frequently within the community and the fans in front of whom they play each week.  

As we cross the rail road tracks to our new stadium, we’ll need to get along with our new neighbors.  The reason for Wednesday’s planning meeting is to revisit the concerns they have raised, and I hope the changes to the stadium design and the proposal as a whole, will address those concerns to their satisfaction.  For my own part, as a fan, I cannot promise that I won’t noisily vocalize my support inside the stadium while the game is in progress – in fact I hope there will be many opportunities for us all to celebrate.  Outside of the stadium, as a fellow citizen, I will promise to be cognizant of my surrounding neighbors, my potential impact on their lives and respect their interests and concerns.  

There are many players who make the San Jose Earthquakes work as an organization – not just the guys who kick and dribble the ball.  It’s a conglomeration of fans, players, coaches, trainers, front office, stadium staff, grounds keepers, vendors, and media.  All are valued members of this diverse Earthquakes family - a family that truly reflects the community it serves.  


After four years of patience doesn’t this family deserve their own home?

Top Ten Bad Ideas for 2012 Earthquakes Shirt Sponsors

Milan, fashion capital of the world, is home to Armani, Versace and Dolce and Gabana.  Indeed, the city’s passion for fashion and soccer made for the perfect marriage when D&G created a glossy book of portraits of impeccably tailored AC Milan players in 2011.  I wonder if D&G would have been as quick to publish back in 1981, when the word ‘Pooh’ was emblazoned across the chest of each player’s kit.  Pooh - a jeans company with a name so odious that the club didn’t win a major trophy until they switched to the more mundanely named car manufacturer ‘Opel’ in the 1990s.

It strikes me that while the Quakes front office appreciated the financial input of the Amway global shirt sponsorship, the fans had a much tougher time embracing the corporate culture of what can euphemistically be called the ‘multi-level marketing’ of household products.  Amway written on the our chests might just as well have been ‘Pooh’ - as fans we were fed up of being picked on by friends at home, and by rival supporters on away trips.

My own experience came in The Pike brew pub, where after a rousing away victory for the Quakes, Seattle-ite patrons pointed, snickered and asked us what household cleaners or Nutrilite supplements we would be trying to sell them directly.  We remained good-natured guests, but we rolled our eyes and glanced sheepishly at each other; I usually have a snappy comeback, but on that occasion I quietly admitted that “I got nuthin’”.

The three year Amway sponsorship deal has not been renewed, and CLS’s own Lisa Erickson has already proposed possible solutions to resolve the revenue-free status of the bare-chested shirts of the 2012 San Jose Earthquakes.  In the meantime, fans can now spend their hard earned cash on sponsor-free jerseys: Quakes in black, Quakes in blue or Quakes in white; maybe all three.  A new sponsor will eventually be found, and optimistic fans believe that the next shirt sponsor will be a more acceptable one than Amway, one that we will be less reticent to defend.

But what if it’s not?  What if the next shirt sponsor makes us pine for the good old days of household cleaners, energy bars and health supplements?  What if the new sponsor provides an even less palatable alternative?  Hoping to nix any unsuitable contracts before they get signed, here’s my top ten list of undesirable shirt sponsors to be avoided:

1. Preparation H: let’s get straight to the bottom of the issue - we’re all a little sore after sitting on aluminum bleachers for four straight years.  Cold, hard and unforgiving - and that’s just the fans.  It’s just been a pain in The Buck; Preparation H would be a relevant sponsor, but it would still feel like having Pooh on your shirt.
2. Viagra: Quakes sponsored by the little blue pill?  The 1906 Ultras won’t need the specially formulated blue and black pill to ensure they are up for 90 minutes, but they should be aware that any longer than four hours might be dangerous; physicians would have to be consulted.
3. Vuvuzela:  Currently banned at Buck Shaw, this sponsorship would have to reinstate the distracting trumpets and the promotion would surely only work with co-sponsors: “brought to you by Tylenol” or accompanied by a set of Etymotic noise-canceling ear phones.
4. Caltrain: The fans can’t have horns, but trains do, and apparently train horns are not as loud (or as frequent) as a new soccer stadium.   So, perhaps instead of vuvuzelas, fans would receive free rides to the game and a complimentary train horn for the Caltrain Night promotion (same caveats as #3).
5. Pamplona Tourist Board: Here’s an obvious running of the bulls tie in for a home game against New York, but the unbalanced schedule means the Red Bulls won’t be rolling into town this season.  The Ultras are spirited enough to participate in a run down El Camino Real, though they would insist on wearing blue scarves instead of red neckerchiefs. OSHA regulations would permit the Ultras to participate with the obligatory paperwork, but the SPCA considers that running with the Ultras might be dangerous for the bulls.
6. Occupy: I’m considering here what the club might do with that vaguely unsettling giant, inflatable Amway shirt by the George Best gate.  Perhaps it can be re-purposed into a new home for an ‘Occupy Buck Shaw’ protest movement (slogan: Build It Now!).  However, it’s only a matter of time before an irate fan runs out from within the new structure during the California Clasico to handcuff themselves to David Beckham.
7. Friskies:  Plenty of perks for the pet loving fans here: free pet food, Eleanor Abernathy action figures, litter and scratch-poles in the Epicenter.  Unfortunately, these items might attract feral cats across the railroad track into the stadium; the hairballs would cause nightmares in the little kids.
8. Twinkies: a pastry so unhealthy, so objectionable that their manufacturer is going bankrupt.  Hostess would roll out a Twinkie food truck (The TwinKart; El(evated) Triglyceridense; TwinkiBites), which might be problematic since uneaten Twinkies also come with rigorous EPA regulations for their disposal - the filling is a known bio-hazardous material.
9. Lenscrafters:  The conveniently placed eye-chart on the front of the shirt could all too easily be abused by players, as they argue their case with the referees; I don’t see it myself.
10. Forever Lazy: At first glance, a great idea for the chilly evenings early in the season, but who wants to see the subs sitting on the side line bench in blue fleece onesies with butt flaps?

Honorable Mentions: ‘Onest ‘Arry Redknapp Tax Advisors; Justin Bieber; Nigerian Prince Financial Services, Upstream Tricasters, Zune.  

In the absence of a sponsor, the Colorado Rapids are rewarding their 2012 season ticket holders with their own signature on this season’s shirt.  Maybe the Earthquakes could sign up Sharpie so we can all sign one another’s new empty shirts with their cool silver-inked pens?   You’ll need to buy your unadorned 2012 San Jose Earthquakes shirts now, but if you feel the need to emblazon the blank canvas on your chest with an advertisement, use your own best judgement, and please avoid the sponsors listed above.

Who will you be wearing this year?




This blog was first published on Center Line Soccer on February 9, 2012.

Yet Another Offside Controversy.

The offside rule: the gift that keeps on giving on the field of soccer controversy.  The two words ‘offside’ and ‘controversy’ are often found side by side, just as often as Robert Jonas and El Tonayense taco truck.  Nothing, but nothing, provokes an emotional response deep inside the soul of a soccer fan quite like a good, solid controversial offside call - especially when it’s called at just the right (or wrong) moment of a game.

Controversial offside calls are universal and have been whistled from rec league quagmires to the lush fields of the World Cup; every team in the history of soccer has been on the receiving end of an egregious call.  Officials, driven to distraction by vuvuzelas perhaps in the 2010 World Cup, allowed Carlos Tevez's first goal for Argentina against Mexico, despite being miles offside.  Quakes fans cheered when arch rivals LA Galaxy were denied a goal in the 2011 MLS Cup Final - I’m sure you have your own favorite example.

For the casual fan the offside rule is often misunderstood, and on more than one occasion I have found my British accent a cue for intense cross-examination by soccer moms and dads – the concept of scoring goals is obvious, but they believe it takes years of soccer watching to firmly grasp the offside rule. The official definition of offside is succinctly described by FIFA, with the offside position defined in eighty-one words and the offence in an additional fifty-seven words.  However, the offside rule is hard to explain convincingly, and so it’s often perceived as the benchmark of soccer knowledge (akin to the infield fly rule in baseball).

Both John Cleese and The Guardian demonstrated that the average man on the street finds it surprisingly difficult to explain the offside rule, and appears dazed and confused without some kind of illustrative gadget.  In England, the concept is  easily explained in the greasy spoon over cup of tea and a chip butty using salt & pepper pots with the ketchup representing the goalie, or at the pub with empty glasses and beer mats. 

Now, British fans have a new tool at their disposal – a recently designed fifty pence (about seventy-five cents) coin, minted to celebrate the sports of the 2012 Olympics in Great Britain.  The seven sided coin has captured the greatest talking point in soccer with an illustration depicting offside on the reverse.  The illustration was designed by Neil Wolfson, who used a stunningly simple representation of a midfielder (apparently Triangle FC) about to pass to one of two team-mates: one player is marked as offside, and the second, level with the defender (from Irish club  Square United) is  not offside.

Courtesy the Royal Mint, UK.

Ironically, the coin’s design itself has caused its own controversy – referees wrapped in wet blankets exploited immutable laws of physics and wielded the negative energy of controversy claiming that the designof the coin was incorrect.  They put forward the argument that the diagram illustrates the offside law as it was until 1995, which has since been superseded by a revision that means any player in an offside position when the ball is played is no longer automatically penalised – whatever. 

Designer Wolfson, a sports journalist, cheerfully countered the referees’ argument that the design was meant to demonstrate the offside position – not the offside offense.  "The coin simply states that the player is 'offside' – which is true, irrespective of whether or not an 'offside offence' results...so I simply don't agree with [referee] Mal Davies’s objection on the basis that he refers to the 'offside offence', despite the coin having no such reference.  I just hope Mal doesn't book me for showing dissent." 

I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that referees would focus on the offence rather than the position, it’s just one more occasion that they’ve been witnessed controlling the puppet strings of controversy. Of course, on the other side of the coin,  it’s this very controversy that animates the fans and, to many a publicans’ delight, fuels the heated and lengthy discussions in the pub after the game.  Restaurant profit margins are preserved as table condiments are no longer spilled in lengthy reenactments – the new fifty-pence coin can be safely stowed in your back pocket as a compact visual aid to define the offside position should the need arise.

So, what about that other controversy currently on the minds of San Jose fans: Quakes in blue, or Quakes in black?  Perhaps we should just flip a coin. 

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Originally posted 01/30/2012 at Centerlinesoccer.com

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P.S. 02/02/2012

In response to a question posted on CLS I had fun designing my own coin to explain the infield fly rule.
  

Proposed design for the silver dollar depicting the infield fly rule